one of the most harmful sexual myths that I come across as a sex therapist — the idea that good sex should just happen naturally. The reality is that it takes effort to understand what you like, and to teach your partner what you like. Here are seven ways to help your partner get better at fingering.
1.Remember That You Don’t Have To Love Fingering
There are plenty of ladies out there who don’t enjoy being fingered just as there are plenty of ladies out there who don’t enjoy oral sex. Or using a vibrator. Or intercourse. Everyone likes — and dislikes — different things. That’s perfectly normal!
It’s very possible that you’re just not a fan of the finger. It’s important to remember that you don’t ever have to do anything that doesn’t feel good to you, or that you don’t want to do. I would still suggest trying out some of the other tips I’m going to share, but at the end of the day, you don’t need to force yourself to like something you don’t enjoy.
2. Know Yourself First
The best thing that you can do to get a better sense of your true feelings about fingering is to try it on your own first. The great thing about fingering is that — unlike oral sex you can actually try it on your own. I also recommend trying a wide variety of strokes, just so you can get a sense of what your body responds best to.
3. Show Your Partner Your Technique
From there, you can teach your partner what you’ve learned from your own explorations. Like I always say there’s no way for your partner to just magically know what’s going to work for your body, so showing them what you already know can be such a powerful step. If there were certain strokes or techniques that you really liked, describe them to your partner. Or — better yet — let your partner watch while you touch yourself. This can be really hot in and of itself, and it’s also a great way to teach your partner what to do.
4.Teach Your Partner About Your Clitoris
A lot of my female clients tell me that they have a hard time with their male partners being too rough with the clitoris. Tons of men tend to treat the clitoris like they treat their own penis. All women are different, but most women need delicate clitoral stimulation. It’s important to tell your partner that you need a lighter, gentler touch.
When your partner is starting to move their hand down between your legs, tell them, “I want you to tease me. Go nice and slow.” If they start getting too enthusiastic in the moment, take hold of their hand and say, “a little softer” or, “I like it when you go slower.” If they don’t seem to be getting the point in the moment itself, talk to them outside of the bedroom. Say something like, “I love how excited you get about touching me, but I really need a much softer, slower, gentler touch. If it’s not slow and delicate, it just doesn’t feel good to me.”
5. Keep it Simple
One major thing that I think a lot of people get wrong is getting too complicated with fingering. So many people try to do all of these complex, creative techniques. This can feel overwhelming to so many women, and can even be painful if your clitoris is sensitive. If there’s one tip I give more often than any other, it’s to keep it simple. You don’t need to do finger gymnastics!
If there was one particular stroke that you liked during your self explorations — for instance , going in a circle around your clitoris — tell your partner to focus on that one particular stroke. Just that one stroke. Have them keep doing it for the entire time they’re fingering you. Or try switching back and forth between two strokes every few minutes.
6. Try The Two-Handed Method
Another great fingering technique is to try one hand externally on the clitoris, and the other hand internally. A lot of women love this dual stimulation. In fact, a lot of women don’t particularly enjoy fingering unless they’re getting dual stimulation. You can always try this technique on your own first, but it can be a bit difficult to twist the wrist of the hand that you’re using internally, so I recommend having your partner try it out too.
7. Always Use Lubricant
Regardless of the particular technique that you try, I always recommend using a lubricant during fingering. The tissues of the vulva are sensitive, and it’s easy to start feeling rubbed raw (especially if you have an overly-enthusiastic partner who tends to be too rough). Even if you produce a lot of natural lubrication, that natural lubrication tends to evaporate pretty quickly. It’s just not enough for a proper fingering session. Lube is so easy to use, and can greatly enhance the sensation you feel during fingering. Seriously, I can’t overstate just how big of a difference lube can make. If you were to use just one tip from this entire article, I would say to start with this one!
Enjoy….
